03 Nov You Must Marry in 50 Days
You Must Marry in 50 Days is a sequel to Finayon’s Once Upon a Marriage.
You Must Marry in 50 Days
“It was a sad, heart-wrenching, and painful story. This time, I was legally married by traditional right, but I wasn’t happy about the marriage. The manipulations were so many; which should I count?”
This was the statement my friend, John Mufasa, began his story with this time.
“Many religious activities were organised, but never to achieve spiritual attainment. It was all manipulation; genuine seekers of God were the prey.” He continued.
My thoughts have been running through my mind since my last meeting with my dear friend, John. I ponder what he had endured just to get married and wonder – is marriage worth all this? I blame him for loose boundaries, letting his family dictate his life, letting outsiders in, and giving them ‘the big stance’ in his personal relationships. I blame him …, I blame him …, I blame him …. However, what does this blame solve? Oh!, John Mufasa!
On the flip side, I really feel for him. It is easy to blame, complain, and find fault, when you are not the one wearing the shoes. Just as they say, “He who wears the shoes knows where it pinches.” The pain and sorrow can only be understood and described by the one who suffers it. He is the one that has borne the pain; his feeling is authentic. Only those who have walked this path will understand.
So I called for another meeting with my friend,
My friend and I had dinner on a Sunday evening, and he still had so much to say. These are his words.
You see, my friend, there is so much trouble in this world; you can’t live in it without the power of God and God as your source. I don’t want to sound religious. However, this is true. This life is quite deep. There is more to life than what we see on the outside. Many people call themselves pastors and prophets who are just out there to milk genuine seekers of God of their hard-earned possessions, and I must say this God will judge all of them. I will also not deny that some men of God are ‘true’ to their calling.
Here is my story. After my first experience with marriage, I moved on, hoping for the best despite still fighting for my life
spiritually. I had some evil attacks again and again.
I was so angry at myself and my family for some time. As time passed by, my anger did subside, and I forgave them. Yet, the memory still haunted me; the trauma lived with me.
Therefore I said to myself, “When I marry again, I must marry without my family butting in again.”
One day I was invited to a wedding. There, I met this lady who had been married; her husband died in an accident. She lived with her son. Her name is Anita. So, we became friends, and before long, we got married.
After my first marriage, I was extremely careful about everything relationship. I wanted to take my time to build a new relationship. I wanted to become friends first. I wanted a marriage forged out of friendship with my partner. I needed to decide prayerfully.
So, after I met Anita, I took her on a date. I tried telling her all I had been through in my first marriage. However, before I could say a word, she stopped me. She said God had shown me to her pastor, and she already knew my afflictions. I was surprised, not knowing what to say. Then I began to think, – “If God showed it all to her pastor already, then I must be on the right track.” This statement gave me some consolation and peace but not enough for me to relax and do nothing. So, I took Anita to my pastor; I didn’t want to repeat my mistake. How was I to know that I just met with another human who manipulates people in the name of God.
John took a deep breath and continued ….
Healing is hard work. I’m sending love to everyone doing his best to heal from things they don’t discuss. I admire you for trying your best and showing up every day.
Speaking of my pastor, I think? Yes, my pastor prayed with us and said nothing else. We got married, but the marriage did not last more than three years. God was kind to us – we had two daughters. We lost one of them.
What went wrong? I thought I was careful, but I had let down my guard at the mention of the pastor and vision. We did not take the time to know each other. No courtship, no marriage counselling. Her pastor just said, “You are both mature and have married before. You have the experience; there is no need for a lengthy talk.”
In my mind, I kept on wondering, thinking, worrying, and doubting. Anita kept reassuring me that everything would be fine.
This pastor told me that after our wedding, she must not leave his church. Many questions arose in my mind, but I chose to ignore my gut feeling. I thought the pastor’s concern was because she was the head of the music department in the church, and if she left, his church would feel the impact.
I thought we would gradually withdraw her membership after our marriage. We will stay a while, and then she will go with me to my church. Her pastor has been of great assistance to us, just like Anita’s family also has. However, he began to interfere with things. He injected himself into so many things that I became uncomfortable. Our sex life as a married couple was even bridged.
Over time, I could not understand what was going on anymore.
I did not feel like having sex with my wife but had sexual urges for other girls. So I vowed to maintain fidelity; I would not break my vow. It went on for months.
Eventually, I decided to force myself to have sex with my wife, and when I did make love to her, I can’t explain it, but I felt so cold inside my body. It felt like I am about to give up the ghost; then I’ll stop having sex with her. After I stop, I felt warm and well again.
The incident worried and scared me. I stopped having sex with my wife. I also stopped eating at home. I kept my vow. I went for prayers. The man of God said the problem was from my side. I worried even more. Problems arose every day, arguments and quarrels, had it not been that I had ruled over myself, things would have degenerated into domestic violence. All of these happened while we were expecting our second child.
I had to leave home for some time and only returned after our daughter was born. It was a difficult time for me and Anita, a very difficult time. During those days of quarrels, she would say I should go to her father and take my bride price back. I never responded to that until one day. I was at home when she came in with her brother to return the bride price.
I was surprised but said nothing. I called my friends into my house at that time to witness everything. Anita and her brother told me what to do. When the divorce process was completed, she left with her brother.
I promised to send money for my daughter’s upkeep, and even though sometimes I may not have, I keep my word. I always pray for her. Sometimes I visit them. Things are good but always turns sour if I do not send fund. She threatened not to allow me to see my daughter if I don’t send them some money.
During COVID-19, things got so bad because there were many times I didn’t have money to send.
A lot happened, but to shorten the story, we had drama whenever I failed to send some money to her. She would give me a phone call and rain abusive words and curses at me.
Marriage is such good, especially when you are with the right person. It is good for a father to be responsible, but being responsible does not mean you are gullible or a doormat. There are times you will not have money. Women should learn not to oppress their husbands at such vulnerable moments.
I drifted to my moral advice again, didn’t I? He paused and then continued.
I choose to heal, to become better, not bitter. I am grateful to God for his mercy. He took me through the paths and brought me out safely.
I hope whoever is reading this learns a few things. Marriage prophecied by the so-called prophets who do not hear from God is a dangerous adventure. You watch out for those that practice religion but deny the power also. The third group to beware of is those who practice tribalism. I speak wisdom. I learned from experience.
By this time, I was in my 50s. Age was not on my side, but I still decided not to fall for family or friend pressure again.
Sometimes the loneliness is much. At other times I felt that maybe I’d committed some sin; that is why God has punished me, but that is not the case. I clearly remember that from my teenage days, I had been a church boy.
After all the things that I’ve been through just by heeding the pastor’s injunction – “You must marry in 50 days.” I made up my mind that I would make every decision on marriage intentionally after careful consideration. I pray to God. I use my head.
I remember when I was in my twenties and thirties, I had good women around me, but I didn’t take anything about marriage seriously then. All I was after then was my passion, my career, and my vision.
One thing I really wish I had is a mentor; someone who will genuinely guide and correct when necessary. All I had around me were people with different motives who do not know my struggles, fears, and pains and couldn’t even relate. They only want to use you for selfish desires, with no good intentions whatsoever. Some want to play God. They believe you are at their mercy, and without them, you would amount to nothing.
” Like a butterfly, life is about transformation and growth.”
Embrace the change!
Have faith in your wings!