29 Aug Only Me
I got lost. So freaking lost. I just can´t find my way back. Maybe if I found a new way? Is that even possible? Am I capable to create a new nonexistent path that saves me? Because I think that’s what I need, be saved, but can I do it myself? Am I good enough? I really hope so, I need to.
I lost myself, my essence, my touch, my desire to do things, my passion for things I loved, my genuine laughs, and the way I was supposed to continue. I don´t know what to do or how to go back to whom I was. I want that so badly, I miss myself so so much, not in a narcissistic way, it´s just that I miss feeling happiness for those little things, being able to feel loved and love others, feeling excitement or passion for something I like. I miss feeling something, anything, even bad things, sadness, fear, and ever rage, it was part of me too, but now it’s not, nothing is, I´m completely empty.
I miss liking this guy, getting nervous around him, overthinking what might happen or what to do, how to talk to him, I miss that feeling, that thing in my stomach, Where were those butterflies? dragons? I don’t know, I can´t even remember what they felt like, I miss how when he looked at me the world stopped and everything was fine, just because he was looking at me, or how special he made me feel every single time we talked, but not anymore. I don´t have the energy to feel anything, even for you. I really miss that.
I miss being able to feel touch, to be a little vulnerable when someone hugs me or lent me something and our hands touch and I got nervous, but that doesn’t happen anymore, not at all. I miss it, myself, feeling things, everything.
I don´t like this, I hate it, being like this, please somebody help me.
I feel like I´m in a desert, full of only sand and sun, I feel trapped with no possible escape. I don’t know why I’m here, what happened to me and I don’t know how to fix it, how to fix me. Maybe if I found the reason I’m here or how I got here, I can find a solution. Not to be dramatic but, what if I can´t get out? What if I get stuck here alone forever? What if I can never get back to where I was, to who I was? Then all I would have is nothing, not even myself.
A person without itself is nothing, right now I am nothing. I loved the way I was, of course, I had flaws, who doesn’t have them? But even with them, I loved myself, my personality, and my way with things, I enjoyed being myself despite the flaws and the problems my life had. But now, I feel I don’t ever have a life. What does a person without a self and life be? Because I don’t feel I´m living my life anymore, I’m in a desert full of emptiness, on autopilot, and lost all my interest in living life. I don’t know why or how. I still am incredibly confused about everything.
How does a person without water and food survive in a desert alone? I can’t ever entertain myself anymore, I’m useless, pointless. I lost purpose, all the dreams I had are no longer there, and I can’t find a reason to pursue them. I need answers, I need solutions, and I can’t ask for help because I’m alone in this awful dessert, I can´t ask for help cause people won´t understand, they won’t be able to help me, I can’t ask for help because this is my problem, and only I can fix it, I just don’t know how.
If I think of a reason, maybe I can think of a solution. Is it me? Was it my fault? Did someone do something to me and you just don´t remember? What happened? Is it because I´m sad? No, Why would I be sad? Nothing makes sense. I hate this so much that I need to fix it. I feel awful, trapped inside of here and I don’t have answers for any of my questions, will I ever have them? Will I ever get out of here? If so, would I get to where I came from or somewhere new? Am I going to be the same person again? No, because people change and people grow, people learn, and we are different every day, but what about my essence? Will I ever get that back?
I spot something in the distance, it’s far away and I don know if it’s real or I’m hallucinating but it’s blue, maybe it’s the man or lagoon. All my thoughts shut down and I ran. I´m not in any real hurry but I need to get out of here so badly, I ran and ran until I only saw black.
I wake up so close to the ocean, I have no idea how I got this close but it doesn’t matter. I need to refresh myself, so I get up and step onto the sea. As soon as my feet hit the water everything clears, all the desert isn’t there anymore and all of a sudden I’m on a beautiful island, it was an oasis in paradise. At the same time, everything is so clear and all my thoughts line up. I was the only one holding myself back, still with many questions with no answer I did find one of them. I am the only one in the whole world with the power to put myself in a desert, to trap me there. But that means that I´m also the only one that can fix it, the only one that can get myself to an oasis is me, I just need to allow myself to be free and live. Only me.